How we experience relationships is shaped, in part, by the relationships that shaped us.
Have you ever wondered why you need reassurance when someone feels distant?
Or why you pull away when someone gets too close?
Why asking for what you need feels uncomfortable?
Or why conflict can sometimes feel much bigger than the situation itself?
These experiences can be explored through attachment theory.
But attachment isn’t about putting yourself into a box. It’s about becoming curious about the ways you learned to experience connection, safety, trust, vulnerability, and belonging.
What is attachment?
Attachment theory began with the work of John Bowlby and was expanded through the research of Mary Ainsworth and others. At its heart is a simple idea:
Human beings are wired for connection.
Our early relationships can shape the expectations we develop about ourselves, other people, and relationships.
Can I depend on someone when I need them?
Will my feelings be welcomed?
Is it safe to be vulnerable?
What happens when I say no?
Do people stay when things become difficult?
Over time, these experiences can become internal working models, often outside our conscious awareness, that influence how we respond to relationships. (APA Dictionary of Psychology)
The four attachment styles
You may have heard attachment described using four styles:
Secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
These categories can be useful, but they are not the whole story. Contemporary adult attachment research often looks at attachment along two dimensions: anxiety and avoidance. Attachment anxiety involves concerns about rejection, abandonment, or whether others will be available. Attachment avoidance involves discomfort with emotional closeness, dependence, or vulnerability.
This is why I don’t think attachment labels should be treated like personality types.
You are not your attachment style.
You are a whole person who has developed ways of navigating relationships.
And those ways can change.
Secure attachment: “I can be connected and still be myself.”
Secure attachment doesn’t mean never experiencing conflict, rejection, anxiety, or disappointment.
It generally involves a greater ability to trust connection, express needs, receive support, maintain boundaries, and repair after relational ruptures.
There is room for me, you, and us.
Anxious attachment: “Are you mad at me?”
When attachment anxiety is higher, relationships can sometimes feel uncertain or fragile.
You might become highly attuned to changes in someone’s tone, availability, affection, or communication.
You may find yourself seeking reassurance or worrying about whether someone is pulling away.
Underneath the anxiety is often a very understandable longing:
“I want to know that our connection is safe.”
The work isn’t to stop having needs. It’s learning that your needs can be communicated without abandoning yourself in the process.
Avoidant attachment: “I can take care of myself.”
When attachment avoidance is higher, closeness itself can sometimes feel uncomfortable.
You might value independence intensely, find it difficult to ask for help, or instinctively create distance when relationships become emotionally intense.
Independence can absolutely be a strength.
The question is whether it has become the only place where you feel safe.
Healing doesn’t mean giving up your autonomy. It can mean discovering that connection and independence can coexist.
Disorganized or fearful attachment: “I want closeness and I’m afraid of it.”
This pattern can involve a painful tension between wanting connection and feeling unsafe within it.
You may move toward someone and then suddenly need distance.
You may want reassurance but struggle to trust it.
You may want to be deeply known while simultaneously fearing what might happen if someone really sees you.
It’s important to be nuanced here: disorganized attachment has a specific meaning in developmental attachment research, and adult attachment is conceptualized in several different ways. It shouldn’t simply be reduced to being “hot and cold” in relationships.
The more useful question may be:
What happens inside you when connection feels both deeply wanted and deeply unsafe?
You are not your attachment style
This might be the most important thing I want you to know.
Attachment is not a life sentence.
Your attachment patterns may be relatively stable, but they aren’t fixed personality traits that determine every relationship you’ll ever have.
New relationships can give us new experiences. Therapy can give us new experiences. Self-awareness can give us new choices.
Over time, we can learn:
I can have needs without being too much.
I can set a boundary and still be loved.
I can be close to someone without losing myself.
I can tolerate space without assuming I’ve been abandoned.
I can choose relationships that feel safe, mutual, and respectful.
These aren’t simply affirmations. They’re experiences we gradually learn.
What if I see myself in more than one?
You probably will. You might feel relatively secure with friends but experience more anxiety in romantic relationships. You might become avoidant when you’re overwhelmed but anxious when someone you love becomes distant. Your attachment responses can also change depending on the relationship, your circumstances, and what is happening inside you.
That’s why I prefer curiosity over categorization.
Instead of asking:
“Which attachment style am I?”
Try asking:
“What happens inside me when I feel close to someone?”
“What happens when I feel rejected?”
“What do I believe I have to do to keep someone close?”
“What am I afraid might happen if I let someone really know me?”
Those questions can tell you far more than an online attachment quiz ever could.
Maybe the goal isn’t perfect security
Perhaps the goal isn’t to become someone who never gets triggered, never needs reassurance, and never wants to pull away.
That’s not being human.
Perhaps the goal is more choice.
To notice what is happening inside you.
To pause.
To become curious about your protective responses.
To communicate your needs.
To hold boundaries.
To recognize when something in the present is activating something from the past. And to build relationships where you don’t have to choose between connection and yourself. Because healthy attachment isn’t about losing yourself in another person.
It’s being able to say:
“I can love you. I can need you. I can be close to you. And I can still be me.”
Understanding your attachment patterns isn’t about finding something wrong with you.
It’s about developing a deeper understanding of the ways you’ve learned to connect, protect yourself, and love.
And once we understand a pattern, we have more opportunity to choose what happens next.
You are not your attachment style.
You are a person who learned how to navigate relationships. And people can learn new ways of relating.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books. (Original work published 1969)
Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (pp. 46–76). Guilford Press.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006
Duschinsky, R. (2020). Cornerstones of attachment research. Oxford University Press.
